Ola from Spain dear friends. The world feels like it’s going up in flames while I calmly and peacefully listen to my children’s laughter (like bells ringing) as they splash around in a beautiful pool filled with fresh sparkly water. How can peaceful joy and abject devastating terror be present in the world at the same time? It feels grotesque at times. It’s so confusing and bewildering. I’m often left utterly dumbfounded and speechless when I witness the horrors in this world. I often don’t know what to do other than to keep talking with each other in the most compassionate ways possible and to keep helping each other where we can.
And, to keep anchoring the light, always keep anchoring the light.
We’ve been in Spain on family vacation/ holiday and while the world is battling its problems, I’ve been struggling with some of my very own old ooooold demons. Demons that seem, compared to the problems of the world, unimportant, yet still there they are and if I’ve learned anything over the years it’s that sharing about your demons and shining a light on them does 3 positive things: 1. It makes your demons actually less demonic looking, they suddenly start to look more like cute little fuzzy gremlins with slightly too many teeth maybe even a bit care-bear-ish 2. Sharing and expressing vulnerable feels works as personal healing for the wounds the demons have inflicted and 3. Authentic sharing of vulnerable stories helps others heal and feel like they can share their story too.
So no matter what else is going on, I’ve definitely learned that sharing my vulnerable stuff is a good idea. And I don’t do it that often anymore because the shape of my life has changed. And that is ok. We all evolve, change, grow into all sorts of different directions. :)
So here is my vulnerable sharing; I wrote this about a week ago on Facebook:
I’ve not been able to face myself in a bathing suit until today. I’ve come very far on my self love/ acceptance journey particularly emotionally but I still struggle with physical appearance. It’s something that was brainwashed into me from a very young age (as with many of us). It’s a painful thing to struggle to love and accept your own body “as is” but I try to love myself through it as best I can. I’m not sharing this to hear the “you’re beautifuls” (thank you). Sharing this to let you know that I struggle too and if you have issues like this you are not alone. 
:) I’m ok. Swam with the kids this morning. Embraced myself a little more today than I did yesterday. :) 
❤️
Ps. I welcome compassionate and understanding responses. I feel less excited about advice. Thanks x
Truth is that I haven’t been back in my bathing suit since that day. And the interesting thing is it’s not so much about ‘what other people think of me’, it’s much more about what I think of me. I’m my worst critic, it is I who struggles to accept what I see when I look at myself. Other people seriously don’t much give a flying banana monkey. :)
So my body-self love journey continues. :) I’m fine, do not worry about me, I’m just sharing for the above 3 mentioned reasons. :) I have healed many wounds and have gone very far on my self love journey (I love pretty much everything about myself that isn’t physical; personality, intentions, negative emotions etc etc), just seeing it as entering the final stage now of attempting to love, accept and even celebrate ‘the physical – as is’. In fact, it’s interesting to me that the physical is the final part for me to heal. I have a belief about myself that my soul didn’t want to really incarnate this time round because it doesn’t much like ‘matter’ (ha), so it looks like I’m here to heal that final relationship with the ‘physical’, too. :) I take a lot of inspiration from the body positive community btw. I love that people are actively making a point of loving one’s body at any shape, disability, colour or size. This girl is particularly awesome. :)
Now for some travel art! :) Whenever I go on holiday I take with me some limited supplies and a journal so I can do bits of arting while away. When we went to Australia last year, I wrote a post about what supplies I bring with me when I go away. Read it here.
And here are some pages from my travel journal while in Spain:
Practising princesses for Ever After 2017! :) Have you joined us yet?
Come make pretty fairy tale art with us!! :) x
Other things that have occupied, enthused, inspired or amused me lately:
- I want Jeremy Corbyn to win the UK election, did you know he won The Gandhi Foundation International Peace Award 2013?
- I love this song by India Arie.
- This post about a twitter account rating dogs is hysterical.
- Let’s focus on the heroes in this world.
- Have you discovered Nayyirah Wayyeed’s poetry yet?
- Monument Valley, one of the most amazing games EVER has come out with a Chapter 2!
- This guy REALLY loved the Wonder Woman film, he made me ROFLMAO
- I reached the 5000 friend limit on FB a long time ago, BUT I post most of my stuff publicly so you can follow (rather than ‘friend’) my personal FB account here and still won’t miss much! :)
- For frequent art updates, check out my instagram account here
PS. We want to make magic with you on Ever After 2017!!! :D Will you join us? Classroom opens on July 1st! xoxo
Dear Tamara, I can only say thank you, thank you for expressing your vulnarability. You are a wonderful lady!
Your post helps me as I am going through a rouge patch as well.
So much love!
Tineke
Love you Tam! I remember struggling with body issues due to some severe family shaming. A counselor once told me to sit nude in front of a mirror until I wrote 50 things I liked about my body and 50 about the rest of me. The second fifty was easy, the first took about 45 minutes. I learned to love me, I don’t like everything but I also came to know the skinsuit we wear is not the most of us. And Tam, the most of you is fabulous, So is the skinsuit dear.
Hi Tam, hope your vacation is relaxing. Yes the world is a scary place especially if we have children/ grandchildren. So hard to think that this is their NORM, makes me so sad but I try so hard to stay positive and see the good but some days its hard if not impossible.
I was just wondering, do you ever draw any of your ladies or princesses full figure. I noticed they’re all very busty with very tiny waist and small. How about a Big and Beautiful princess?
Enjoy your day and your children. Time passes quickly.
Sharon
Tam, I think we all see your inner light and it shines so beautifully that nothing else really matters…at least to those of us that follow you. So, I will send you rainbows, lollipops, and love and hope that a few unicorns wander across your path and here…lets throw in some glitter because everything is better with glitter. <3 Slay the demon because You Got This! and if you don't…you've got us.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s comforting to know we are not alone in our struggles. Once, in my mid 30s, a small group of my female relatives were sitting around the dinner table complaining about our bodies and physical features. My Sicilian grandmother- who was quite a character and appeared to be in a bad mood almost every single day-was sitting with us. She wasn’t saying much, just continuing to look grumpy. One of us asked her, “Nanny, how old were you when you stopped worrying about what other people think of your appearance?” She snapped back, in her typical loud and annoyed voice, “I don’t know, it hasn’t happened yet!” I knew then, that I had better get to work on myself. I’m now 52. I am not going to pretend I no longer worry about these things, but I can say, I no longer allow it to keep me from enjoying the little and not so little things in life (like I used to!). I ride in the Jeep with the top off and let my hair get messy, I sit on the beach in a bathing suit and play in the surf, I put more time into art than messing with my hair or makeup, and I enjoy my intimate life with my husband and accept the fact that he thinks I’m beautiful. Ah, I no longer want to deny myself any of the joys in life. Thank you again, for this post. I think I needed a check-in. :)
As always, you have my gratitude for your honest and forthright sharing. I discovered your art and LifeBook at a time when I didn’t realize I would need it; that is, when I began with LifeBook, it all came flaming to the surface. At times it feels like my very skin will burn from it all. Sadly, I do not have a support group, but I do find so much comfort and solace when I read your posts here and on Instagram, and the comments from those lovely souls around the globe who live with similar issues. It is inspiring, it truly is. Thank you for bringing us all together. And I don’t even own a swimsuit!
Yup. I get that. I can’t remember the last time I wore togs! In front of my family I am not ashamed of my shape but outside of the family is another matter. But I am happy. In all truth I probably have another ten or so years on the planet (age wise!) and my family is my life. So I’m in a completely different ball park compared to you…you keep telling us how wonderful we are but don’t forget you are too! Well done for your courage xxx
Hi Tamara.
I have had body issues even when my body was beautiful. I developed an even more horrible relationship with my body when my marriage became one devoid of sex and passion and I obviously blamed myself. Now after some contemplation I have decided that I dont care my husband isnt attracted to me. The problem is that I am not attracted to me. Hence I am on a journey of exercise and good eating to get the body I want to feel beautiful and sexy in my skin regardless of what a man thinks.
As an older woman who will be 60 next year and still feels like she isn’t an adult yet, I fully understand your feelings. I have always been insecure with my looks. I used to cut school in high school because I felt inferior and still do to a degree in the workplace around other women. Now it’s not weight as much as older skin. Where does it end? I keep reminding myself that it doesn’t matter and other people really don’t care what you look like. I also understand that we all have to get to a point where we are comfortable in our own skin and sometimes that is not easy.I have a very loving husband and a teenage son (had him late in life) I too watch him and fear how the world is today and worry about him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We live in NYC and I don’t want him going anywhere and yet at 17 he should and I can’t hold him back. The political separations in many of our countries are too very alarming that I don’t know what to feel anymore but finding you, your courses and these groups are so uplifting and encouraging. Creativity really is self medication. I appreciate all you do and all your encouraging words and although I don’t have advice, you are fine they way you are and know that you inspire so many of us. I wish I could give you a big hug because I understand
So many things I want to say to you, but not a single word will do justice… I hear you…I feel you…I SEE you <3
Me and my body, a life long struggle!! I accept all of me, my ligt AND dark sides. My weirdness, and much much more. But my gosh, that fleshy thing I have to carry around is a burdon!! Feels like being stuck in a big fat suit that isn't me / mine. Like I have been put on this eath (while i shouldn't even be here according to all doctors), just to learn how to walk in shoes that will never fit!!
People and their good advice…they piss me off haha. Yes I know they want to help, but you know what the funny part is…I studied psychology!! Am a counselor and nurse from origine. The irony ;)
I got myself a new bathingsuit last year and was about to wear it during my holiday. Even in a fjord, nobody there except my partner… NOPE!! 38 years old, and still feel like that kid that was 8.
The struggle is real and sucks big time.
Thank you for being so open and honest and for sharing this… Respect!! And yes, I am still going to say this, because I mean it, not because I think I have to or feel obligated… You are GORGEOUS!! There are a few peeps on the net / fb that get to me (and why? Because energy doesn't lie and says it all)… Micky Wilde, Whitney Freya, some animal peeps, and YOU !!
XOXO Susanne
Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am not liking myself much right now and it is because of my body. I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my life and I’m not proud of it. I don’t like looking at myself, the way I feel about myself, or the fact that I don’t yet have the motivation to make a change. To know that I am not alone is comforting. Thank you for anchoring me in the light with your honesty and self-love.
So many things I could say to you , so many words I could use, but I will simply say this to you Tam …. ‘You are a shining light’ xx
Hi. I’m glad you’re ok, and I wish you all the best on this part of your self love journey.
I can relate! … We’re leaving soon, for a road trip, the main event, my friend’s wedding, in which I will be a bridesmaid, for the first time… And the dress, is WAY outside my comfort zone (it doesn’t cover enough of me)… I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. … The thing I hate the most right now is my arms, especially around the elbows…. and my entire bottom half is disgusting to me.
funny though…. when I see other woman with similar shapes to mine, I think how beautiful they are. Like you said, it has nothing to do with what others think of me… (well, maybe a little)…. but much more about what I think of me.
I can also relate to feeling like my issues are “nothing” compared to so many other’s issues. …. and also having trouble understanding how two opposite forces can exist at the same time…. I am in constant battle within, with opposites…. and I often think things like “how can I be so happy and enjoy myself, when so many loved ones are having so many “big”, scary, and painful problems…. and why them?! – They’re doing good in the world… it should be me, I’m just a waste…. etc….
I’m ok, too… but some days, every little thing feels 10 or even 20 times bigger than it is… and some days, just managing to have a shower, or to get the dishes done, is a major accomplishment. And it really doesn’t make any sense. I mean, yes, I’ve had scary things happen with my eyes, lately… but I’m ok… and others have had much worse eye issues, recently. And I’ve got it “good” … I’m very lucky…. yet… I find myself struggling with depression and anxiety, a lot, lately. and I have A LOT of overwhelm that seems to get worse each day, instead of improving.
Anyway… thank you for sharing, and thank you for letting me share, too.
*hugs* and lots of love. Peace, and kindness.
Thanks for sharing who you are and what you go through Tam. Your girls are so beautiful and peaceful, love the black lines in the lips too! I know how you feel about body image, it’s so hard in a world where we are led to believe some have perfection. It looks like they do to me when I compare myself too! I have never been confident about my own physical being. When I was young people said I was so beautiful and strange people photographed me often, but I still thought I was lacking in comparison. sometimes other women made comment of my breasts being small. Not like I ever tried flaunting them. So back then I was convinced people who said I was beautiful were crazy liars or blind to what I could see. Now I look back at old pictures and wish I had thought more of myself. It only gets worse on the outside. However learning to see the beauty within ourselves gets better I think, which makes the outside count a lot less in my book. Everything is fading and beauty is surely fleeting on the outside for us all. No matter how much or little we start out with, such is life. True beauty is not what people can see on the outside. Sometimes if I am feeling larger then others or not so small in comparison I think about my angels. I am fairly certain in comparison to them I am quite small in stature. Like a fat cute little baby! I like thinking of myself in that way. The spiritual realm sees past aging and disability and into our hearts! So to me from a spiritual realm sensibility you truly are beautiful, and I think I am too! I wear a cover up on the beach, I sometimes sit in the sand and make castles and get muddy., I walk the beach alone and look for treasures. I am comfortable in my own skin. Still aint gonna show everything to everyone, HUGS, SANNA
PS, I meant to say, that I love your travel journal Art work. =)
And to everyone who’s commented before me, I’ve read your stories, and I thank you for sharing, too. You are NOT alone. Peace, love, kindness, healing, and *Hugs* (for those who want one).
So many of us struggle with the same issues, Tam! I was always chubby as a child and felt different from the other kids my age (this was in the 70s when kids were supposed to be skinny). My mother used to tell me I needed to lose weight, even though I wasn’t really that fat. Some kids would tease me – I still remember my cousin chanting 33kg! 33kg! These are very deep rooted experiences that still affect me. No wonder I went through a period of eating disorders in my late teens and all throughout my 20s. My mother had no idea that this was going on and I still resent her for it, so much so that I don’t really like visiting her because these memories come back and put me in a bad place. She always wants me to be pretty and slim and successful and I just don’t feel I can meet her expectations. I haven’t seen her in three years! I just don’t feel I’m up to it so I always invent excuses not to go. We live in different countries and I always feel I have to lose some weight before visiting otherwise I will be disapproved of. The strange thing is, I’m OK with myself here – as long as I don’t have to go and see my mother and have her scrutinize me. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn into a ball in panic! I need to lose weight, I need to lose weight! Then, when I duck out of an impending visit, I feel an overwhelming sense of relief that I don’t have to go. It feels like freedom! But I know I can’t put it off forever, So that’s my little gremlin there! You’re right – it did help to talk about it! Hope you win your fight against your pesky gremlins. Best wishes xx
You really are a blessing to me, and I’m sure, to many others.
I haven’t put on my bathing suit for years!
The sad thing, I live at the beach!!
Hopefully I will soon come to accept my body for what it is and actually put on my suit.
Thanks for sharing how brave you are!
Linda
Tam…thank you for sharing….I too struggle with loving my physical self. And I also noticed last year on my honeymoon cruise that there were PLENTY of other, bigger women than me that seemed super confident and didn’t give a rip what other people thought of them. I envied them their confidence! And while I know that people are NOT staring at me and my husband loves me the way I am, I too am not so loving to myself in this area. It helps a LOT to hear you say the same things. I guess its something we all struggle with. Hugs my new(ish) friend. You are not alone and there’s lots of love here for you!
I can see your vulnerability in these girls eyes … it shows :) ….. they are beautiful … thank you for sharing something that is near and dear to most of us, especially as women growing up with the old mantras of being beautiful and down right perfect in how we look and everything we do … how dare we do anything else :) …you are STRONG, you ROCK, you are an amazing WOMAN
Tam, you mentioned that you were brainwashed in childhood about physical appearance. Have you ever wondered how you might be continuing that yourself by constantly painting beautiful girls/princesses/mermaids/goddesses who fit the stereotype of beautiful and slim?
AMEN, Sister!!!!!!!! Couldn’t have said it any better! Your struggles and issues are a common bond to many. This website, in itself, is a support group. No advice here. Just, thanks. It’s nice to know one isn’t alone.
Tam, the universe is so remarkable in bringing lives together. I marvel at moments like this, when in my email I see a new blog post from you, which suggests there is something I NEED to read. Yep, and there it is; the universe is smiling down with joy that I took the nudge. Thank you for sharing so much of who you are to all of us. I don’t know how I found you a few years ago, but I’d have to venture to guess that it was another moment much like today, that the universe brought our paths together.
My husband took me out the other day to buy some summer clothes. He saw a dress that struck a cord with him, when he asked me to try it on I said, ‘Oh, I can’t, my knees.’ So, off I went to the dressing room and then to model some of the clothes. As I was modeling he said, ‘Babe, (while looking at my knees) what’s wrong with your knees?’ I said, ‘well, they’re ugly’. And he just shook his head. Today, while reading your blog, I had to ask myself, ‘Julie, when are you going to start loving your body?’ Thanks again, Tam, for always responding to what your heart speaks.
Totally feel you on this!! Bravo for the time you were able to put on that suit! Your body is miraculous. It created children, life. It creates art and it blesses hundreds of countless people with your gifts and love. Your body creates beauty and love. Your body is yours, so f*%k what our society and media are telling us it should look like. Your body has permission to wear what ever it choses and to wear it in the pool!! Jump in get wet, splash your kiddos and give your bathing suit a big F-You as you do it!
Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities. You are correct, when we shed light on these gremlins they begin to lose their power. Much love to you and yours❤
Hi Tam! THIS.POST.ROCKS! I GET IT! (I live it, too!) every.day. Love love love Megan Jayne Crabbe’s site. Thank you for that. Endless scrolling, because I need to hear it. I think we should make some “real” girls in our art, too, and stop feeding the “only this is pretty” narrative. What do you think?! :-) <3
You’re a courageous, beautiful woman, inside and out. To share the way you do is so generous and compassionate. Thanks! :-)
ja de boodschap dat je alleen hulp kan krijgen als je toont dat je hulp nodig hebt kwam
toen ik met mn liefste vriendin op vakantie ging en zij haar zware koffer aan de top van de trap
neer zette en zoekend om zich heen keek.
terwijl ik bloed zweet en tranen storte met mn zware koffer, kwam zij vriendelijk babbelend met een behulpzame sterke kerel naar beneden trippelen.
zo leerde ik dat je je problemen het best kunt delen……dan komt er altijd wel een oplossing ….en gedeelde smart is halve smart
You are not alone Tam…and it feels good to lnow that I am not either. Love you!
Dearest Tam,
Like everyone else has admitted, you truly are not alone. Not flattery but the real truth is: you are the most honest person with a special real-ness and authenticity that is rare in our species. Authenticity seems to be crucial in life and in relationships and I respect yours greatly. Thank you for sharing. I also have issues with physical appearance. I have juvenile rheumatoid arthritis which has made itself known in craggy features all over. And has had 56 years to develop it’s deformities. Then one day when I was 24 – years ago — I saw the theater performance of Oh Calcutta! — a play done entirely in the nude. While today it’s more common, back then it inspired incredible controversy and disdain… along with a sort of compelling curiosity. It’s still one of the longest running shows on Broadway. When I saw it, I swore to myself that I would be able to drop my towel just as they had done. Not necessarily on a stage but in my home in every room especially in front of lovers but also girlfriends. I envied them up there on the stage with bodies that were completely average and normal. They were not airbrushed beauties or models. I worked on it for several years and finally was able to drop my towel. I still don’t have complete faith in my physical appearance because it’s become more and more disabled over the years. So it seems while I had tackled it at one time with success, the fear and shame of it still raises its ugly head more frequently than I prefer. I try to reaffirm my Ok-ness every time to varying degrees of success and move on. More difficult for me are emotional issues of I’m not good enough and I’m a bad person. Both of these were ingrained very young and are now swallowed-whole core beliefs in my psyche and have been terribly difficult to dislodge. I’ve made some headway but I still have a long way to go. Like you I’m OK albeit depressed a lot, I basically have made headway on all these issues but still struggle with them terribly at times. We all come from the same source and are meant to be beautiful both outward and inward and I believe that. I am on the road and I am slogging forward every day. I wish that for you too although it sounds like you’ve come a long way already Tam. Good for you for being honest and authentic in your pain. Like others have said, know that we are with you and offer our solace in hopes that you feel better. Hang in there sweetie: you’re almost there!
Take good care. Sending you love and light… Kim! ❤️?❤️?❤️?
Hi Tam, just want to let you know what I thought, when I saw you the very first time at LB 16 (cause I still remember that thought): “Wow, what an interesting and beautiful face this woman has. Her charisma looks like the real sunshine.”
(hope that the translation from my language into yours is not missing sth.)
Thanks for everything!
Britta
Oh man – the body thing! Sometimes it seems impossible to get over and then I feel so bad because man, this body of mine has gotten me through so much, doesn’t it deserve a little love?? Thank you for sharing – right there with you and determined to fix my thinking on this!